Monday, March 6, 2017

OMG - just 2 more flippin sleeps . . . .

and freedom!!!!!!

OMG, OMG I'm just so freakin excited.  Can you tell.

I know I said we were child free but now Mr T and I are really going to be HOME ALONE.

I've had my brother living with me since June of last year.  His marriage broke up and it was coming towards the end of the farming season and he had had enough.  Mum was worried about him and he had no where to go and no job.  So I told him he could come and stay and work for us.  He's had a chance to get on his feet, meet a new lady and has now got a new job organised and is moving to Whangarei (where the new lady is) this Wednesday.

I've loved having him, given us a chance to get closer but the time has come for him to move on and start the next chapter of his life.  

Just like me and Mr T.  Alone with no child supervision.  

Is it wrong to feel so happy.  

Josh is happy.  He came out last weekend for a visit for a couple of hours.  His depression is under control.  He still has social anxiety issues but his key worker is helping him.  He has settled in really well to the respite place where he is staying.  He's actually moved into a little cottage on the property so he can learn some independence skills.  He is asking for help. He's learning to cook and how to do other things for himself.  In saying that - he does know how to look after himself but before simply chose not to.

Anyway he's happy and it's a weight off our minds.  A good feeling to know that we've got the communication back with him.

I do feel this year will be our year. 

I feel like I'm gushing now so I better stop.

I went for a walk and saw my newest grandbaby at lunchtime. Handy they live close to my work.  So I'll leave you with a photo.

Ciao for now.


Thursday, February 9, 2017

A new year . . .

So that's the Christmas /New Year break done and dusted.  Back to reality.

December turned out to be quite a busy month for us.

Our Krystal graduated from AUT with a Bachelor of Design.

Very proud of our girl.

We welcomed our latest grandson just before christmas.

Kyan William Baine.

We managed some time away on our own doing what we love.
Beautiful flat seas, gorgeous sunny days.  No internet, no phone service.  Just us.

 Spent time with our grandbabies.

And now the holiday is over and work has begun.

So let's start with some good news.

It's been nearly a couple of months since I've had a hot flush.  
After flippin years of suffering literally dozens a day it just stopped. Like someone flicked a switch.  It actually took me a little while to click.   I feel like a new woman.  My weight has been a battle and now things are finally improving again.  It really feels like I'm over the hurdle and looking forward to what 2017 is going to bring health and weight wise.

Now for the not so good news.

As I mentioned in my last post - Mr T and I are childfree.  

We had a few issues with Josh last year.  After we came back from the Gold Coast his sister took him to the Dr where he blurted out that he wanted to kill himself and that he had a plan to drown himself in the pool.  He had depression and social anxiety.

He ended up living with his sister for a couple of weeks, then he moved to Whangarei with his brother.  Everybody thought they knew better than us and we were just bad parents.  We copped a bit flack from Mr T's two oldest kids.

Only things didn't go quite as well as they thought and about three weeks ago they said they were bringing him home they had had enough. 

I didn't want him home.  He had developed a real bad behaviour issue with me and his dad and he was unbearable.  He lasted one night at home then we had a big set to the next morning. Typical teenager - you can't make me, I don't have to etc. I made a phone call and got him into see a counsellor the next morning.  I tricked him into going.  When we got there he told her that he had overdosed on his medication.  So it changed everything.  The crisis team was called in.  I didn't want Josh to come home.  He needed to be somewhere where he could get help.  I had to do my nut a couple of times.   He's spent about a month in the hospital and now he has been transferred to a home where he can be rehabilitated.

Mr T and I are about to start counselling as well.  We're having difficulty understanding what's really happening.  His behaviour is just over the top and neither of us want him home.  He's just so rude and nasty.  Mr T feels guilt.  I did initially but I feel differently now.  I think he just didn't want to get out and get a job.  He was quite happy to stay at home.  I think alot of his threats are more attention seeking to stop him from starting to take responsibility for his own life instead of everyone doing it for him.  I will agree that he probably has anxiety, but not to the extent that he can't overcome it.   Laziness is a huge factor.  

But in saying those things - I can't take the risk that there might be something wrong.  Which is why I really pushed to make sure he was in a safe place and hopefully get the right help to put him on track.  

So for now we are just taking it one day at a time.  

In the meantime we are going to do our best not to stress.  

Ciao for now.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

How do you start blogging again when you've been away for so long . . .

What can I say . . . life's been complicated.

But - I'm ready for the next chapter to begin.

After such a long, long time I finally feel like I can breathe.

It feels like a new beginning and I'm really looking forward to it.

I'm very tired.  Exhausted.  My health hasn't been 100%.  I'm still struggling with menopause.  The hot flushes are intense.  It's zapped me of a lot of energy, sleepless nights and overall just totally feeling like crap from extra kg's and just being so unfit.

I'm tired of burying my head in the sand and I'm tired of making excuses for myself about not doing anything about it.

I'm pretty fed up and I'm making changes to get my sexy back.

My life is less complicated now.  I have less stress  and finally after nearly 30 years of parenting Mr T and I are childess!!!!!  While I have been looking forward to this day unfortunately I would have like it to be under better circumstances.

But yes, childless we are.  They will always come home along with the grandies which we love, but overall they all have their own lives now and it's time for us to adjust.

So a few weeks ago I started aqua jogging again.  I'm trying for 3 days a week at 45 mins in the pool.  I'm able to maintain an above average pace the whole time and the flushes don't bother me, lol.

I've started back on a low carb diet again - eliminating bread, potatoes etc.  

I'm also "gulp" drastically cutting back on my wine.  I have found a nice refreshing drink which is no carb, no sugar, no alcohol.  That's a huge help.

So yes, it's time for a new chapter to begin.  For me and Mr T.

Tonight we are going up to Auckland as we have Krystal's graduation from AUT tomorrow.  Wow, where have the years gone. 

Then on Thursday I get to meet my new baby grandson - that is if he hasn't arrived before then.  

So it's all happening.  Exciting times.  If there is anyone still out there I would love your support.  To keep me honest.

Ciao for now.


Thursday, July 28, 2016

Life's been tough . . . not going to lie

It's been really tough for me for a while now.

My mum got sick last year.  We were told we would lose her last September.  However she rallied and has been on a rollercoaster ever since.  She had split her oesophagus and her stomach was badly ulcerated.  Her only source of nutrients was through having nasal feeding tube put in.

My life  since September has consisted of many many trips after work over to Tauranga spending time with her at home in hospital.  In April she went in for day surgery to have a procedure that would enlarge her oesophagus and allow her to eat more solid foods.  However it had the opposite effect and she eventually stopped eating and slowly started fading away before our very eyes.  I spent many nights heading over to Tauranga after work, staying till late, driving home and getting up the next morning and doing it all again.  I spent a week staying with her in the hospital just the two of us and she started to perk up, only to crash the morning I had to go home.  After talking to the doctors we decided to bring her home.  It's what she wanted.  Six days later she passed away.

It's just been over three weeks now.  I'm still numb, I still work on automaton.  I still have to have that really big cry.  My body is still physically and emotionally tired and it's still hard for me to believe I can go home everynight and not have to rush over to Tauranga.

My mum was never a tiny lady, but when she passed away she was only 42 kgs.

I was only about 8 or 9 when I found out I was adopted and when I found out she was my mother at the age of 15 I was amazed because I have known her all my life.  My foster parents, who eventually adopted me, maintained contact with her all through the years.  They use to take me over to visit her and I also spent one school holiday week with her a year.  My mother has been part of my life ever since.

My two mums

Things are slowly starting to return to normal.  I've missed my grandbabies a lot.

I had a road trip with Miss Sophia a couple of weekends ago and it was so good for me.

There is a bit more to tell but I'll just leave it for now.


Tuesday, January 12, 2016

So far so good . . .

I'll feeling pretty good right now.

Last night I made the low carb cheeseburger for dinner, which I also had for lunch today as well.

This was only a bread plate size, I had another half one.  Surprisingly it was really filling and it didn't take long to prepare either which is always a bonus for me.  

Breakfast I had scrambled eggs and another burger for lunch.  I am not hungry at all.  Chicken for dinner tonight.

I'm hoping doing this challenge it's going to get me motivated in the kitchen again.  

At the moment we are child free and loving it.  The kid has now finished school.  He's enrolled up at the local polytech to do a pre construction trade diploma.  Hopefully after that we may be able to find him an apprenticeship somewhere.

Catch ya next time.



Monday, January 11, 2016

New Year, New Beginings, New Journey . . .

2015 nearly broke me.  That door is well and truly locked and bolted behind me.  It's past, but I learnt alot.  

Importantly, you can't please everybody all the time.  It doesn't matter how much you do, how much you try, for some people it just isn't good enough.  

2016 . . . You are my year.  I'm going to start putting myself first instead of last.  I'm not going to take on anyone else's problems.  I'm going to start looking after me.  Get healthy again because last year it suffered.  Clean eating, revive energy and regain sleep pattern - my priorities.

Next year I will be 55 and I want to be the best I can be.

Today I'm beginning my journey.  I've signed up to do the Diet Doctor's two week low-carb challenge (was suppose to start yesterday but I had my grandbabies and wasn't properly prepared), today is Day 1.   I'm looking forward to it.

Next week my new boss starts.  I cannot wait for him to start.  Things are going to be so different. On the 22 December the personal grievance claim between the Trust and the old boss was settled.  That means we can finally sort out my position  - and it's up to the new boss.  And he is great.  Fantastic.  It took all of two seconds for him to win me over.  I think work is going to become very exciting with some new blood and fresh ideas and a good team leader.  Watch this space.  

I'm starting a new journey to find the me within not the me everybody wants me to be.  To find the ole girl and make her laugh again.  The past few weeks I've seen a few glimpses of her, just need to coax her back out and not let her hide away again.

This year will be exciting for me.  I will document it as I go - OMG I own a selfie stick -  I really want this year to be more laughter and happiness.



My crazy grandbabies


Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Life . . . .

Life these last few months has been quite bluntly in the WTF bucket.

Never in a million years would of have thought that Mr T and I would be at each others throats.  Never thought there would be a day when we wouldn't want to be with each other.  In the end I started dreading going home.  It was hell.  It was a bloody nightmare.  But things are a lot better now.   I nearly did give up, but we talked and I knew how close he was too a break down.  He's been working nearly 7 days a week for the past 2 years.  He feels like he's always under pressure, stressed out and feels like he doesn't have anything to show for it.  So that's when we decided to start looking for a new boat. It's something that we both enjoy doing together and if it makes him happy then it's worth every penny.   

It's a much bigger boat than our other one.  This one has a cabin that we can sleep in, which will be nice.  We got her for a real bargain.  He picked it up the day after his birthday.  That just about covers his birthdays for life.  He is a happy man.

We are talking a lot now.  He realises now how mean he was.  He keeps remembering how he acted and it makes him feel bad (and so it should).  He knows he was mean and nasty and why did I stay with him.  I guess its marriage.  You don't give up when it gets tough.  You try to work it through.  I never believed it was really him that was saying all those things.

Two weeks after my last post my mum ended up in hospital.  She hadn't eaten in nearly two months, she was in chronic pain.  They found that she had torn her oesophagus and her stomach lining had disintegrated.  We were told to expect the worse and if there was anyone who wanted to see her then now was the time.  She wasn't expected to last the weekend.  She had pretty much given up herself. So I spent nights sleeping on the floor of her hospital room.  They put a feeding tube down her throat and a stent in her oesophagus.  She started getting a bit better, they tried her on mushy solids and it worked well for awhile and then she started throwing it up.  So after nearly six weeks in the hospital they decided to send her home even though she cannot eat.  With no nursing care in place.  So that means my sister had to learn how to hook her feeds up and to flush the line when its finished.  I think that's an awful responsibility to put on the family.  So I've been going over to Tauranga quite a bit lately.  In the beginning I was going over all weekend and every other night after work during the week.  I've slowly cut back now to once a week.  I was just getting so exhausted.  I was over on Wednesday doing a few chores for her and she had a sneezing fit  and her tube came out so we had to take her up to ER.  It was nearly midnight by the time I got her home and well after one in the morning before I finally got home - so I'm pretty shattered and looking forward to spending a weekend at home for a change.  

Nothing has been confirmed with my job yet.  Stuart finished up last month and we've been on our own since then as they have only just employed a new Manager but he won't take over until January now.  So my job has been extended until the end of March now which suits me a lot better.  I think its all working out in my favour and I like the person that they have employed.  He is such a likeable and personable person.  

I can't believe it's nearly Christmas.  Yet again everything is being left until the last minute.  Just like every year things will fall into place.  I'm looking forward to a quiet Christmas this year.  Mr T and I are going away and having our first trip in our boat.  I'm looking forward to a mindless break and not doing a bloody thing.  

Thanks to everyone who's been checking in on me.  You are treasures and I really appreciate it.

Ciao for now.

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Down 3.8 kgs

in the last couple of weeks.

While I have cut out the wheat its not the only real reason why I'm losing weight.  Mr T and I aren't getting on very well at the moment.  

In fact it's downright awful.

I've been yelled at,verbally abused, accused of taking sides of not supporting him - my heart is just broken.

My son and he had a falling out at work.  It's just skyrocketed.  My son left, right when we are busy and now we have no staff.  It's all my fault - naturally - I believe my son over him.

I don't get it.   I've cried a lot.

I think he might be having a breakdown.  It's like the only explanation.  My husband never yells at me.  We don't fight.  We've always been strong and loving no matter what. 

He's like nobody I know anymore. 

To make matters worse he slipped over on the gravel on Saturday while he and Matt were fighting.   All his weight on his arm.  Luckily it's not broken, but it is very swollen and its extremely painful and his arm is in a sling.

I'm not his favourite person at the moment.  In fact he says he can't stand to be around me.

So now we sleep in separate beds.

I feel so   -  depleted.

Will update when I can.  I'm trying to work things through and make sense of it all.  I've got to find my "inner" strength.   



Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Taking one day at a time . . .

Well I can never say I have a dull life.  Since my last post two more staff members have gone.  Where we were 7 at the start of the year we are now 3.  Lot of closed doors here, a bit eerie.

August was a shocking month and I don't know how I got through it.  I had to bite my tongue so many times.  The pure nastiness of the boss and his wife really didn't sit well with me and a couple of times I had said a few things as it was getting out of control.  Never a nice word spoken.  The rudeness and arrogance was more than I can deal with and it hurt because I never thought they could be so vindictive or selfish.  As far as they were concerned "it was all about me".  Well I'm really sorry but it 's BECAUSE of them that we are in the position we are in right now.  

Since A left, things have been a wee bit calmer.  As the boss's wife isn't here anymore he has no one to side with so little to bitch about.

As far as things being finalised with my job nothing is confirmed yet.  I don't expect it to be for a while yet as my boss has filed a personal grievance claim and if my role stays the same he may be able to use it against them. 

So in the meantime I'm just soldiering on and taking each day as it comes.

I haven't been my own best friend for awhile either.  I've suffered horribly with hot flushes.  I burn up so much.  I've been sleeping with a fan blowing on my face just so I can have some sleep.  I'd be lucky to get 4 - 5.5 hours sleep a night.  No energy at all.

I looked after Miss Sophia for a morning a couple of weeks ago while my son went to church as she was a bit under the weather.  As we were meeting up with Jackie and David for lunch I told him to meet us town.

So we put our smellies on and some lipstick and took a selfie.  (These kids do selfies better than me I can tell you)

 I couldn't believe how puffy and tired my face looked.  I realised I'd really been neglecting myself which I suppose isn't really surprising under the circumstances.

 So I decided to start being a wee bit nicer to myself.  So I've been doing my darndest to  eat healthy again.  I've cut out the wheat, and the crappy stuff that I've been indulging in, cut back on my wine and and eating lots of fresh veges and salads and plenty of water.  I've also invested in a nutri bullet and I love it.  I can't believe no matter what I put in it tastes fantastic. 

The photos below I just took.  There is 9 days difference and I can see the  puffiness is starting to go.  I'm feeling a lot better.  More energy, I don't itch so much - sleeping - OMG from about 10pm - 7am.  That's a lot more than I've had for ages.  I feel like I'm catching up on all my sleep that I've lost.

I'm so enjoying this springlike weather (when it's not raining).  I'm starting to make myself go outside and do things while it's still light.  Dinner can wait a bit longer.  I just need to breathe a little fresh air, pull a few weeds, do something more than just hibernate.

So that's all from me.  Hope you're all doing well.


Thursday, July 30, 2015

The verdict is in . . .

No change to their proposed organisation structure.  Apparently two part time admin positions are going to replace my current job.  I swear I just don't get it.

 This whole process  has really taken a toll on me.  I'm feeling so old and tired all the time.  

So my Boss finishes on the 21st October, his wife Andrea finishes on the 28th August and my job is disestablished on the 28th August.  

However I have been asked to stay on until the 18th December  to help with the transition period.

So I shall.

I've actually reached a place where I'm okay and thinking positively ahead and starting to look forward to my future.  It might be the best thing that could happen to me.

My husband has been looking after me too.

We went away to Bowentown last weekend just the two of us.  So peaceful and relaxing and what I needed to take my mind off things.

 Had lovely nice walks along the beach, holding hands.  Feeling the love.

I'm pleased to see Mr T with a bit more beef on him.  He looks so healthy.

Right, time to move forward.


OMG - just 2 more flippin sleeps . . . .

and freedom!!!!!! OMG, OMG I'm just so freakin excited.  Can you tell. I know I said we were child free but now Mr T and I are reall...